Posts Tagged ‘mom guilt’

We Are Okay

If it seems quiet over here, you can catch a few posts I’ve written on milk banking and breast pumps, but yeah, we’re still around.

May the Fourth Star Wars fundraiser event

I’m a terrible cold season survivor, and life’s everyday decisions seem SO MUCH HARDER when the sun is hiding. But we’ve managed to find joy among them!

If I look back at my January resolutions, I cringe a little. Work/life balance is a struggle, and it’s especially hard to transition to part-time work and then to part-time work-from-home work. Teetering between priorities, that old friend, guilt, hovers and lingers.

I said I’d say “no” more often. So difficult for a “yes” person who only wants to be helpful and avoid conflict. But, after a few tough situations, I am learning to dig in my heels and do what’s best for my family.

Maisie’s baby dedication Sunday

With so many changes and adjustments in 2018, I needed to find community and accountability. We started regularly attending a different church in October, and like any new environment, it’s taken a while to settle in. However, with my flexible schedule, I’ve been able to be a part of a mother’s group within the church, which is refreshing and encouraging. And I can’t say enough about our neighborhood. It’s wonderful to have friends down the street who look after you so well.

Date night shenanigans

How’s Steven? These days he’s grateful to open the windows and turn off the heat. He secretly loves cold, dark weather and is starting to complain about summer approaching, but for now, he likes the cooler evenings and spring air. He and Wes share a love of rain and thunderstorms, and they looooove watching Interstellar. I mean, it’s on nearly every Friday night. (Friday night is our sacred family time with homemade pizza, sometimes breadsticks and a movie past bedtime.) Steven is home from business travel for a while before more fundraising conferences start to pop up again.

How’s Wes? Well, first grade has been challenging. Not academically, no, but his friendly demeanor has gotten him into occasional trouble. He serves in a leadership role in his classroom, and he doesn’t like the responsibility. (We’ve had many discussions about Moses, the reluctant leader.)

He is quickly progressing in Taekwondo, and when he’s not too busy goofing off or tired, he is very good at his form and continues to get stronger. In fact, he just passed his promotion test the other day and now wears a light blue belt (white-> yellow-> orange-> light blue-> green-> purple-> brown-> red-> dark blue-> black).

He speaks top-notch Spanish, reads and spells at an advanced level, wants a career as an artist and loves his sister well.

How’s Maisie? The little nugget is petite, fair and charming. She was hitting milestones left and right until recently and seems to be in a comfortable rut. She can get around by spinning and pushing backwards, and sometimes she’ll get on all fours and rock, but no crawling yet.

She signs “milk” and “dog.” She loves solid foods (I still enjoy making baby food!) and is perfecting fine motor skills to pick up puffs and soft, melty baby crackers. She prefers to “comfort-nurse” instead of true breastfeeding, so I’ve been pumping-to-bottle more often and combating terrible milk blisters, blebs and clogged ducts.

Her pediatrician is watching her weight, but isn’t yet alarmed. She may have doubled her birth size, but she’s nearly half of gigantic, 8-month-old Wesley! Maisie’s new babble is “bop,” she discovered clapping, and she likes to drop items from a height. Her bright, sometimes goofy-looking smile features two front, bottom teeth.

What about the sleeping trouble? Regarding Maisie, it’s still challenging to get her to nap throughout the day, but she’s become a rock-solid night sleeper. She definitely parties hard before bedtime — eating a ton, nonstop wiggling and squealing — and then crashes.

Wes moans and groans about being left alone in the dark, but he’s better. Melatonin helps tremendously when needed, and I usually cuddle in with him under his bed tent until he gets sleepy enough that I can leave without protest.

I’m coming out through a wintery, end-of-rainy-season/tunnel, and we’re alright. We are okay. (Bring on the sunshine!)

Easter 2019

Posted: May 4th, 2019
Categories: Leah
Tags: , , , , ,
Comments: No Comments.

Potatoes, Fevers and I’m a Hot Mess

I generally try to keep this blog positive and non-complain-y, but I have to break the rules occasionally. After all, what is the point of journaling (face it, I don’t blog for money or recognition, so therefore this is my public journal) if it doesn’t act as a release of some sort?

It’s been a tough week of Mom Guilt. And you know what else I’ve realized? I really suck at homemaking.

My job doesn’t typically include grant writing, but occasionally I assist here and there, and one of my proposals is due this coming Monday. It’s done and just needs to be printed and copied multiple times, and I am certainly grateful that I started working on it three weeks ago. But sometimes deadlines press so hard on me that I can’t think. I press onward to beat the deadline… like several days before, if I can. If not, I stress out about all the kajillion things that could stand in my way and make me miss the deadline. Ugghhh my brain!

Enter yet another Wes sickness. This time it’s just a low grade fever and runny nose, but I actually got annoyed at my son for being sick. As if he meant to get in the way of my deadline! And then… it hits.

MOM GUILT.

I have it bad. I feel torn between work and home life. What’s the boundary? If I’m not in the office, or heaven forbid, miss the proposal deadline, what will happen? Will I be needed? YES. Of course I will. That’s why I have a job.

If I’m not at home to comfort my feverish child who just wants his mom, what will happen? Will I be needed? YES. Will I be missed? DOUBLE YES.

You know what’s funny? I don’t consider myself stressed out right now. I tell myself I “just have a lot going on,” but when I look at my work load, I realize that I probably am stressing negatively. In fact, I had a near breakdown this evening when I accused myself of dinner failure. You see, during this week of approaching deadline, I found two large bags of potatoes in my pantry. For some crazy reason, I decided they needed to be eaten RIGHT NOW so that I wouldn’t have to throw them away (sprouts were everywhere). The night before I had attempted a new recipe that involved way too many cloves and not enough orange slices and it was pretty much horrible. And then, these potatoes… bah. My attempt two nights in a row was disastrous. WHO can mess up freaking potatoes?! This girl. I’m a hot mess.

And that week-old load of clean laundry that needs to be put away was ignored again today. Somehow denying it my attention serves as punishment. “Nuh uh, you don’t GET to be put away because of that crazy potato incident!” See? It makes sense.

Wes picks up on it. He was cranky today, too. When the sun decided to make a presence, we headed outside and soaked up our Vitamin D and felt tons better. He’s so much like me that way.

71b15756-043c-424f-9dad-cdce3bea3cb0

9dab9514-02a9-4d29-8f1b-a0b7b3a61457

Thankfully the proposal is done. I had the day off work today anyway, and it worked in my favor. But I need to remember to reevaluate my priorities. My family comes first and foremost. I need to take a chill pill and relax more. On purpose. Even if I don’t feel stressed out, you know? Be present with myself and my husband and my kid. And heck, I threw out the potatoes anyway.

Posted: March 8th, 2013
Categories: Leah
Tags: ,
Comments: No Comments.


© 2019 | The Shattucks | Leah Shattuck | Steven Shattuck | Indianapolis, IN